Incompetency

Just felt like coming in to pen some thoughts, or rather, to scold myself.

So, let me compile everything. I am the worst procrastinator and the person with the lowest determination that you have ever seen, and I have to say, I fucking hate myself for that, to a point that I think I am worthless, very seriously.

I promised myself that I have to cut down on food intake, and I failed it everytime. To make it worse, I'd always push all the blame to my dad for cooking excessive amount for dinner everytime, which is a fact. The thing is that, if I have a strong determination, nothing will stop me right? Failed.

Gained weight. To start with, jogging should be quite an easy thing for me if it's just around 5km per jog, a distance which I have given myself, and I wouldn't spend more than 45mins per jog, yet, I kept on procrastinating and eventually did nothing. Nothing except for staring into my laptop, and still did NOTHING. This time I pushed the blame to my operation, which made my waist unproportionally big, when I myself didn't even put in effort in it. Failed.

Exams are round the corner, and yet I can't bring myself to study. The weather's turning cold and I kept on getting flu everyday without fail. I blame it on the flu that made me can't focus on studying. Failed.

The only good thing about me is that, I still got into a local uni despite all those fucking shit attributes of mine. But I seriously have no idea how long this will last, how long everything will last.

I have to change everything about me before I can even proceed on my life. If not, I really can't see a point in living on this earth, if this is all I can afford. Fucking fed up with myself. If you don't change for the better, you might as well die off, loser.

When the force comes again

The weird loneliness feeling invaded me again; I wonder why. It makes me ponder why I must put up a sturdy strong wall as my frontline defense when there is already an internal conflict behind this wall.

Do things that make yourself happy, and not those which make you sulk. To please people has no limits, but there is only one 'you'; you deserve better. So, go on now and set yourself free in your own ideal way and ignore what others have to comment for once.

***

I really need a camera phone la! I am so sick of holding on to the army phone and using it in the campus. Honestly, at times I really do feel embarrassed when my phone rings off in the bus (the very very classic sony ericsson dafault ringtone) and I had to answer it. I've tried putting it on silent mode, and I'll miss some of the calls though the lao kok kok phone still manages to vibrate (too engrossed in my outside world). Another thing is that, I noticed my blog is full of crappy words and really lacking of pictures, totally. Not that I am lazy to upload to the com, it's just that... I HAVE NO DEVICE FOR ME TO CAPTURE IMAGES! No camera, no personal camera phone, sheesh. After I get my camera phone (somewhere in October), I swear I'll spam my blog with images. You know, sometimes I myself do get sick of my own blog (black and white letterings and background, a simple layout which is, too simple in fact, and the biggest problem is that there are no pictures at all), but what to do?

***

It's saturday today! But what if you're pretty broke? I guess even if everyday's a saturday, it won't make much difference if you lack the spending power. A bright side of thinking though, I could get some rest from those 'Roa X Fr = Mr' lectures, since they've been giving me headaches. Nevertheless, I am insisting on clubbing tonight even if that will make my almost penniless wallet to a completely empty one. I have to relax once in a while, especially before quizzes are round the corner!

*keeps fingers crossed again*

Reaping what you have never sowed?

And that's what my whole life is about. Waiting for something to happen, instead of taking actions. 'Reap what you sow' is a phrase which I understand, but never learnt.

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Sky's damn dark today and the breeze is cooling, which really tempts one to just laze around doing nothing at all, and yes, I am one of those people who was succumbed to it. School work, nay, probably later; Workout, nah, maybe tomorrow. Procrastination seems to be my deadliest weapon, just that in this case, it's the self-inflicting kind. Perhaps I will be taking my notes and have a hard mugging time later, and most probably I'll be playing badminton with my brother later too. And that adds two more uncertainties in my life. I realised I am lacking the mentality to grasp control of my own life, because of my happy-go-lucky attitude to reduce the stress-intake in daily activities. Ah, just when I am on the way to improve one aspect of myself, I dug out a few other flaws of mine. How encouraging.

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I can't wait for my loans and bursury to come quickly. I seriously need to get a new laptop and a new phone for myself. I've been sharing the com with my brother and though he has been really kind to allow me access to it most of the time when I want to use it, having a personal one beats everything. So, I'll just cross my fingers and pray.
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I am off to study now, and trying (yet again) to justify myself from all those flaws. Laters.

NTU Life

It's the second week in NTU now, and I can say without any doubt that I am not enjoying any moment here, especially the studying life. I am not the only one; almost every friend of mine who went into NTU via direct entry to second year is suffering even though it's only the second week now. To be precise, I could already feel the intense pressure since week 1, since most of the lecturer's teachings seemed like aliens to me and what they have been saying are 'this is so straightforward' and 'this question is very easy', skipping the steps on how he obtained or derived certain workings etc.

Workload aside, digressing, I just joined NTU tennis club! well, it wasn't my perfect choice since what I really wanted was going into recreational badminton, but too bad they only want competitive players who took part in competitions before. soooooo practical la and I could list a few other CCAs who only want good players. Geez, to think the school is promoting sports to every student... Anyway, the cybergame club was so attractive as well la! Imagine you can play all sorts of different games including online ones, xbox ones, wii games, ps during the so-called 'cca timing'. But I gave it a thought and realised that I wouldn't learn anything useful from that club after graduation, moreover, I really don't want to be a game-addict like I used to be at one point of my life, but frankly speaking, I admit that I was really tempted, especially the game Guitar Heroes!

Now on a more serious part, I really think that I am a good friend, but boring lover. If it happens twice or thrice only, the fault might lie with others, but if it's the tenth time, then I'll have to accept the fact that, sadly but crudely, I am the one with problems. I've been trying to work out where the problem lies, but everytime it was to no avail. A sincere heart alone isn't enough, and I question the meaning of love. While pondering about the whole cycle, I find myself getting lost within it as well. Was that what I really wanted, or was I just trying to find the missing piece of puzzle in myself? Even right now, I am still as confused as a few years ago. No matter what happens, speak out your mind and whatever the verdict is, I can take it. Well, I am getting used to it, anyway. heh.

Last Minute Shit Attitude!

I just realised I got tons of flaws. In fact, to sound crude, I have got nothing but flaws. Lazy, always procrastinating, finding excuses, doing things in the very last minute; try naming anything bad, and that word would most probably describe me.

And, I finally got the consequences of doing things at the last second. From something as simple of printing a slip out from my printer, it ended up going to school even earlier and calling the related department to enquire about my QET number, and risking not being able to take the QET in time. All because I tried to things the last minute. Argh! I really hate all these negative attributes about myself!

New Week, New Phase!

It's the final week before university starts, and somehow there's a small portion in my heart that I wish time could actually go slower. The initial enthusiasm is diminishing as time draws closer, which I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I am starting to get worried about the studious life ahead and partially because of the financial problem I might be facing soon. Just maybe.

I think I seriously lack confidence la. It's something which has been bugging me since the day I know of my own name. How should I go about improving in that aspect? I think I should give my best effort on it le. I remember last time I complaining that I am unable to wear contact lenses and even if I got them onto my eyes, they would irritate the eyes. Now that I can do the contacts without much hassle, I realised in the past I was merely giving myself excuses for the things that I couldn't do properly, so it would appear that I am not the one at fault when I can't complete a certain task. You can say that it's a way of giving up but at the same time, people won't look down on me because of the excuses (which I tried to make them sound like facts) I gave to them. I myself know that the contact lens example is one of the many excuses I presented myself with. There are sooooo many others which I don't feel like sharing =x

How wrong was that mentality. I really do hope I can pass my own test now. Okay, self-reflection's over, and now it's time for actions! =)